So I’ve been sitting on this blog topic, idea, whatever, for a few months now because I really didn’t now how to explain it without it sounding terrible or negative. Because to me its quiet the opposite, it’s an incredibly beautiful miracle and reminds me every day of what God’s will is for my life.
I don’t have any flowery words or fancy scriptures to add to this, I really wish I did. Maybe it would help soften the rough edges that may be interpreted but I don’t have any. I’m sure there are a million, so if you’d like to add any scripture that come to mind please do! That would be awesome!
Last year I was still dealing with the “new mommy-ness”, the post pregnancy hormones, and just the general “I can’t even go to the bathroom alone” realzation of being a new mom and a stay at home mom (SAHM) at that. It was a constant love/hate battle daily! But it was something that I had always dreamed of. So why was I so bitchy about it!? I will say more often that not, hormones got the best of me because now that I’m in the 2nd year of this I feel fine and dandy, most of the time.
I remember crying to Joe about feeling like a part of me had died, and that may be I should see a therapist. I would look at my old pinup pics, rockabilly clothes and hairdo’s and think “where has she gone?” I got asked to be in a pinup contest but politely declined, because I didn’t feel up to par anymore. I had a new set of curves that I was trying to figure out, not to mention none of my clothes fit the way they use to. I just didn’t have a good grasp on who I was, or who I had become. I even eventually confessed to day dreaming about running away. Funny thing is, my “destination day dream” was to a crappy motel about a mile from the house! I would get more upset at the idea of being away from my boys! (Important Note: I WOULD NEVER LEAVE MY FAMILY!!! Do you hear me? N E V E R!) Some may consider this Postpartum Depression, and who knows, maybe it was. But I refuse to see it that way only because it still didn’t feel like a depression. I’ve been depressed before, I know what that’s like. Instead it felt like I was being broken only to be rebuilt.
I tried explaining this to Joe but its hard to explain a deep emotion for me. I’m terrible with words. But I explained it like this.
You know when a horse trainer is trying to break in a new horse and the horse resists for a while but eventually gets broken and learns its new role? Thats how I felt. I felt like God was my trainer and at times I, almost literally, felt him pulling on my bridle to go into a different direction. I would pull against and rare back. He would just keep on pulling, sometimes harder than before. There were days where I would pray for help to stop feeling so down and those days felt like a horse that is tied a hot walker (I was just informed on the actual term by a legit horse person! LOL) and just keeps walking in a circle. I remember asking my girl friends why I was feeling like this and when was it going to stop. None of their answers really gave much relief. Not until I realized that God wasn’t done working on me, training me. Training me for my new job as a SAHM/wife. He wanted me to be the very best that I could be. He wanted to help me with my patience and my selfishness, He wanted me to be the ultimate giver.
Some of those days were very long, and I would be emotionally exhausted because I had resisted so much. Some of those days were complete joy and peace because I gave in and allowed His hands to guide me, without question or hesitation.
I don’t resist anymore. I’m not saying everyday is this glorious day and angels sing every time I step out of bed. I’m saying that I have a deeper love for my job and I try my best to do it well. I’m saying that I wait to feel for His hand to guide me through every turn and hurdle. And yes there are even days that I’m back on the hot walker just walking about in circles but I still wait because without Him I’m just another wild horse.
I often wonder at times, when I see other people struggling with changes in their life, are they resisting God’s guiding hand? Do they not feel God tugging at their bridle saying “No, go this way! I will take care of you!” Too many times we want our lives to go a certain way, or we try to route them in a way that seems right and it ends up being nothing but a huge struggle. Usually one that can be avoided. I don’t fight with myself anymore, I’ve purposely submitted myself to His direction and I don’t feel the struggle. I’m not tired. I’m awake and alive! I’m motivated! I want to tell everyone how awesome my trainer is and how He tamed this wild horse.
So there it is. I don’t know if I explained it well enough, I hope I did. I hope it makes sense and doesn’t sound like I was beat into some crazy submissive culture or lifestyle, because I wasn’t!